Never Knowing
by Asterie-Smiles
Summary: Legolas' musings while he stands by Aragorn's 'deathbed'...what happens when you make a deal with Fate? CONTAINS SLASH


Never Knowing 

**By S_Star**

**Summary:** Response to Rhysenn's Alliance Challenge: Legolas' musings while he stands by Aragorn's 'deathbed'...what happens when you make a deal with Fate?  

Based partly on a real experience and partly on 2 particularly touching episodes of Buffy.  Well, one was Angel, but still... (It's one scene of 'Becoming (Part 2)' and some of 'I Will Remember You', if anyone's interested!)

**Disclaimer: **Tolkien wouldn't put his characters through this kind of torture!  Lyrics are by Lifehouse, from their songs 'Somewhere in Between' and 'Everything'.

**Rating: **PG-13, I think.

**Warnings: **Très mushy in parts...and depending on which side of the spectrum you are, there's either a direct L/A slash content warning or an implied A/A het warning, but the latter's just a couple of lines.

**Author's Notes: **My first LotR fic!  My first slash fic!  My first LotR slash fic!

Well, that isn't a lame narrative poem, at least.

Please be nice! ^_~****

This isn't the greatest thing I've ever written, but it sure means a lot to me, so please tell me what you think!  And the ring is not THE ring, just A ring, 'kay?

NEVER KNOWING 

_***This cannot be happening._

_This is over my head,_

_But underneath my feet_

_Because by tomorrow morning,_

_I'll have this thing beat,_

_And everything will be back to the way it was._

_I wish that it was just that easy._

_And I am somewhere in between_

_What is real and just a dream...***_

_~Lifehouse, 'Somewhere in Between'_

It hurts, you know that, don't you?

Maybe if you did, it would be different.  Better, somehow.  But you don't.

You don't see how every drop of blood seeping from your wound is a stab directly through my heart.  You don't see how every time you wince in pain, I wince in harmony with you.  You're too far gone to see through your own pain, let alone mine.

It's physical, you know that, don't you?  This pain I speak of, it's not just imaginary pangs of emotion.  It's real.  For every cut on your body, there is a matching bruise on mine, a sign of the scars you've given me: scars that will never heal.

Scars that only I can see, wounds that only time can ever hope to heal.

But right now, the only wounds I care about are yours.

You know that I would have been there if I could, don't you?  I would have been riding beside you, defending you from their arrows and their poisons.  But I wasn't.  

It's strange how fate twists events like that.  Every trip I have ridden with you, fought back to back with you against any foes...except this one.

I don't see why you decided to ride out alone.  You know those woods are teeming with orcs and goblins, even trolls, but you still went.  Wasn't it you yourself who advised me not to do such a thing?  I know you go out every other day, but couldn't you have just waited until I was back?  It would only have delayed you a day, and then none of this would have happened.

Why, Estel?

When you knew of the danger, when you have encountered such terrors before, why would you run willingly into danger's midst?  Is it that it would seem weak of you to be afraid?  

I would not see you as weak for waiting, you know that, don't you?  In fact, I see you as insane for not waiting.  Your pride is your only downfall, melleth-nîn.

Is it that you feel that life is not worth living any more?  That your friends and family are not worth living for any more?  

That I am not worth living for any more?

Or is it just that yesterday was wrong?  That this would happen whether I was there or not?  For, if so, I can once again curse fate for its cruelty.

But still, that does not alleviate my guilt, or this nagging ache within my chest, because no matter how this happened, I could...I could lose you.

I don't want you to die, you know that, don't you?

That must be the one thing you do know.  It's too soon to lose you, we haven't had enough time together.

After skirting the issue for so long, we thought the 'forever' we were meant to have would be much more than this one month, but, again, fate has a sick sense of humour sometimes...well, all the time.

A month.  One month.  Such a short time, even for a mortal, like you.  Maybe if we had never discovered each other, this wouldn't be happening now, maybe you'd be fine, happy, like you've been for this time.

I'd sacrifice everything for you, you know that, don't you?

If it came between my heart and your life, there's no doubt that I'd have you live.  I'd give up this last month gladly if you would just stand up right now, cast your bandages aside and walk away laughing, even if it were into somebody else's arms.

It feels like an eternity since I heard you laugh, but I know it was only two days ago, before I left.  You said something about a special reunion after the day we'd be apart, or something like that...I can't remember that long ago; it's like time's been twisted somehow.  There's a glittering month of memories behind me that I can't touch, and there's the present, stretched like a bowstring until I can no longer see where it begins and ends, or where it merges with the equally bleak future to become a never-ending path through a silent, grey forest.

No.  No, I can't let you die like this, not now, not after everything...not before everything.  I can't.  You can't leave me to walk through that forest alone.

I know it's selfish, but whatever I do, it'll be selfish, because what benefits you benefits me.

If I would leave you to die, I would have to bear the pain, even if your spirit were free, and I would never be able to forget you: I promised you that much.

If you lived, I would feel unsurpassable joy, although you would bear the pain of the wounds you have acquired.

But I would still have you live.

As I have told you, I would give everything to have you live.  

Everything.

I'm crying now.  I don't cry, unless it's for you.  So what am I supposed to do, sitting here watching you die?  I've been talking to you for hours now.  I can't take my eyes of you, even for a second.  I've even been singing for you, all the songs I know, but one...

Remember the song I sang at Midsummer?  I wrote that for you, you know that, don't you?  You didn't than, but now you do.

Shall I sing it for you now?  It may stop the tears from flowing...it may make me forget about this.  Because if that's what it takes to alleviate your pain: forgetting, I'll do it.  Maybe...maybe it would make it easier if neither of us knew what we'd be losing.  

'Find me here, and speak to me.  I want to feel you...I need to hear you.  You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again...'

~*~

'...And how can I stand here with you, and not be moved by you?  Would you tell me, how could it be any better than this?'

Did that change anything?  It felt to me as if something around us changed, somehow, though I do not know how.

Do you feel any better, mellon-nîn?  I hope so; for that is all I can do to help you now, though if I could help you in any way more...

Estel, I must go now.  Arwen wishes to see you.  She is the only one more worried about you than I am.  She refuses to leave your bedside unless taken by force.  I wish you had been awake to see Elladan and Elrohir literally carry her away; it has been the only moment of mirth since your accident.

I feel bad for thinking that, somehow, but I know that you would have us laugh again, even if you did—

I won't think it.  I do not wish to lose you any more than Arwen does.  She has said that seeing you thus has helped her see life more clearly, and that, if you survive this, she will sacrifice her own immortality to live a lifetime by your side, like the tale of Beren and Lucien.

It must be amazing to have someone who feels so strongly for you that they would do such a thing; even more amazing to feel that way for someone else, but I do not know of such emotions.

Here she is; I hope that she can do more for you than I have.

'Ar-wen?'

I cannot help but smile at the look upon her face as you say her name; the first thing you thought of when you awoke.  I hope you don't mind me lingering by the door a moment more, Estel; for the joy in both your eyes is a sight that few are blessed enough to behold.

I wonder how long it will be until you are up again, joking with the twins, riding with me, terrifying Lord Elrond and Lord Glorfindel with your appearance after a day of hunting...but for now you must rest more and recover, and—

What is this?

I don't remember ever having owned such a thing, maybe it was a trinket I picked up in your room while I was watching over you, though whom it belongs to is beyond me.  A ring of...is it mithril?  It looks the same, though none of my kin have had contact with dwarves for many millennia.

It is too big for my fingers, therefore it is probably the same for the other elves, although it feels...familiar to me when I hold it in my hand.

Elbereth.

Elbereth, I remember...I remember everything.

I remember...this ring is yours, but it came into my possession.  You...you made me promise that if you died, I would never forget you...

I remember...one month ago, when you asked me to meet with you, and you told me...

I remember laughing with you as we rode together every day...

I remember the way you said my name, 'Legolas', so softly, as if the word were a fragile piece of porcelain that would break if spoken too harshly...

I remember how it felt to have you surrounding me, inside me, consuming me....

I remember you looking at me as you do the Evenstar, with such emotion in your stormy eyes that I could not breathe...

I remember everything, but it never happened, because I...I begged fate to save you, saying that I would give everything for your life.  And I did, so why...why do I still know?

What sort of magic does this ring possess, that it may contain such precious jewels as these memories are?  I swore never to forget you, but that incident was during the memory-time, the time that never was...how can it still be?

Is this another display of fate's cruel humour, that it awards you life, and happiness, but I manage to recapture the pain of that previous time?

Because it is even worse now than before, knowing that every time I see you I will know that, once upon a time, we were together, and you will have no idea, blissfully unaware of my suffering, your joy slowly killing me...

No.  No, this is what I asked for.  You are alive, and the knowledge of that one perfect month should serve as a comfort to me.  Because I have felt the emotion that I begrudge you of, and I may yet feel it again.

In another lifetime, you loved me, and that is all I need.

And I want you to remember that I love you.

You know that, don't you?

Don't you?

***end***

**AN: **Hmm, the ending was a bit weird, and it was kinda depressing, but still...please **R & R!  **Opinions mean a lot to me!


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